What to do When Your Child Goes Astray

I had a conversation recently with a man who was heartbroken over the choice his 21-year-old son had recently made to live an alternative lifestyle. The son now lives over 300 miles away and chooses to have very little contact with his mom or dad, except for an occasional text. The rock on which the father built his spiritual house feels a lot like shifting sand to him these days. The values that have steered his moral compass and governed his actions, have been cast aside by his own flesh and blood.

I can’t think of any greater disappointment that we as parents can experience than our children rejecting our beliefs, values, and our way of life, especially when all of these have been built on God’s Word.

My friend’s dilemma led him to ask me this question: “How can I show love to my son and at the same time not condone his lifestyle?” I responded, “Why do you have to choose between the two; that is, expressing your love or declaring your condemnation? Just love him.”

That’s what Jesus did with the Samaritan woman in chapter 4 of John’s Gospel. After Jesus explained to her that He had the ability to give her living water – true life – He told her to “go call your husband and come back.” She said, “I have no husband.” Jesus replied, You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

Jesus demonstrated His love for this Samaritan woman by giving her a new way of living. He called attention to her life’s story in order to establish His credibility; to testify to His divinity. He didn’t do it to condemn her for being married five times and living with a man that wasn’t her husband. He didn’t lecture her about her lifestyle. In fact, He commended her for telling the truth. He found something that she did well – tell the truth – and He celebrated that. She finally found a man who loved her just the way she was.

This is Jesus.

My friend who is searching for a way to love his son and not condone his lifestyle, has the perfect template for how to respond to his son; just love him. Just be Jesus to him. His son knows where his father stands. He’s seen him model the teachings of Christ throughout his 21 years in the godly home in which he was raised.

Now the crucible of the Gospel – the “good news” – lies squarely in front of him, a choice he must make. Will he model the essence of the mission and message of Jesus; God’s love for the undeserving?

Jesus said there were only two commandments that really matter: “Love the Lord God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind … and love your neighbor as yourself (Mt. 22:37-40).” “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another (Jn 13:35).”

Love is all that matters.

There comes a time when we’ve done all we can for our children. We weren’t perfect, but we tried our best. A friend of mine once told me when I was struggling with the decisions of one of my children, “At this point in your life Bill, your role is not to judge their journey, but to join their journey.”

Just loving our children without judging them can cause us parents to feel a little irresponsible, but we reach a point with our children when we are no longer responsible for them, we are simply responsible to them. Joining your child’s journey doesn’t mean that you approve of their choices, it means you join their pilgrimage with prayer and love. This is the way of Jesus. As a Christ follower, this is our way as well.

In the spring of 1967, the Beatles were asked to provide a “song with a message that could be easily understood by everyone” for an upcoming live international broadcast in June. The song that emerged was “All You Need is Love.” Brian Epstein, manager for the group, later said of the song: “It was an inspired song and they really wanted to give the world a message. The nice thing about it is that it cannot be misinterpreted. It is a clear message saying that love is everything (source).”

Love is easily understood. Love cannot be misinterpreted. It is everything. As a parent of a wayward child, love is all you have, but love is all you need. You and I have found a man, the God-man, who loves us just as we are. Let us love our children just as they are. In doing so lies the catalyst for the change our children need, as well as the change we need.

Play to win this week in the game that really counts!

(Suggested Resource: “Prayers for Prodigals: 90 Days of Prayer for Your Child,” by James Banks)