“I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It’s so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.”
-Rich Mullins
Have you ever awakened in the night and felt the dark? I have. There was a period in 1998, when it happened to me every night for what seemed like forever. I’d go to bed dead tired about 10:30 pm, only to wake up around 2 am in a cold sweat and not be able to go back to sleep. I would get up and walk around the house, wringing my hands and wondering if my racing heart was going to jump out of my chest or just explode inside my body.
If you’ve ever experienced what I’ve just described, you are not alone. It’s called anxiety; distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. It affects 40 million people every year in the United States. It is no respecter of socioeconomic class and it’s colorblind. My anxiety was triggered primarily by some major changes that took place in my career. Anxiety may be triggered by one thing, but it affects everything.
As human beings, we’re all going to experience anxiety from time to time in our lives, and it’s not always a bad thing. An occasional dose of angst can help you complete those important tasks that are staring you down. It can give you that extra boost you need for that big exam you’ve been studying for weeks for, or that special project at work that the boss is counting on you to deliver by next Friday. This is a good kind of anxiety.
And then there’s the bad kind. The kind I had for months. The kind Rich Mullins describes in his song “Hold Me Jesus.” The kind that wakes us up in the night and causes us to feel the dark; the kind that makes us shake like a leaf. The kind that is hot, as Mullins sings, so hot that it puts blisters on our hearts.
The bad kind prohibits us from operating at full capacity; from being fully present and effective as husbands, wives, parents, children, friends, business owners, or employees, and from being the person God intended us to be. Occasional bouts with anxiety won’t kill you, but the prolonged version, if not dealt with, will lead to long-term dangerous health issues.
The Bible has much to say on the topic of anxiety. One of the verses that helped me get through my episode with anxiety over 20 years ago was from the Apostle Paul: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7).”
Once I realized that waking up at 2 am wasn’t a “maybe” but a certainty, I developed the practice of personalizing these words of Paul’s and praying them over and over. When I woke up, I would pray something like this:
“Father God, help me to not be anxious about anything, especially these things that are flooding my mind that is causing me to be fearful and to worry. I am thankful for _________ (Here I would thank God, one by one, for the blessings that would come to my mind as I prayed). I place my worries, anxiousness, and fears at your feet. I accept your peace which exceeds my understanding. Thank you, Lord, in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.”
I would like to tell you that after one night I was cured, but that wasn’t the case. I am happy to report, however, that my 2 am meetings with the Lord got better. The discipline of prayer led me to a better place with the issues I was wrestling with, and my connection with God improved. My middle-of-the-night conversations with the Father, plus the help of a good Christian counselor, got me through this extremely challenging period of my life.
If I had it to do over again, I would not change a thing. God used the anxiety I experienced over 20 years ago to grow me as a Christ follower. It wasn’t pleasant at the time, but I learned back then that God can be trusted. When we come to the end of ourselves, that’s right where God wants us to be; fully dependent on Him. When we’re fully dependent on Him, we realize that His grace is sufficient for us. I don’t know that I would have ever learned this spiritual lesson had it not been for this experience God allowed me to go through.
If you are going through a period of anxiety right now, just know you’re not alone. It’s common for all humans, whether you’re a Christian or not. Just know that God is with you, He is for you, and He goes ahead of you. Don’t forsake the council of good Christian friends and a solid Christian counselor. When you surrender your will, His is revealed.
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